


The Cost of Healing

by Kairosiia



Series: The Cost of Hope [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Blackmail, Blindness, Deviates From Canon, Disabilities, Distrust, Dynamic Characters, F/M, Force-Sensitivity, Friendship, Good guys on both sides, Grief, Like in Chapter 8 or something idk yet, Mild torture, Nightmares, Prosthetics, Revolution, Romance, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Therapy, Violence, War is Grey, future smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 11:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairosiia/pseuds/Kairosiia
Summary: Ever since the attack of the First Order on the Resistance, you had lost nearly everything.Your friends were killed on a suicide mission.You had lost your eyesight, deeming you second-rate in your line of work as a mechanic.Your lover was slowly becoming what you feared most.You were a bystander in a larger story, one that you had no place in. You were just an inferior member of the Resistance that was bound to be killed, to be forgotten.But not in someone else's eyes.





	The Cost of Healing

**Author's Note:**

> I was not anticipating that I'd be making a full-fledged story out of a one-shot I had written in the wee hours of the morning, but here we are. 
> 
> This story coincides with the one-shot, "The Cost of Hope." Enjoy!
> 
> **Edit 09/28/18: Thank you all SO MUCH for reading this story! I started college two weeks ago and I'm on a competitive rowing team, with practices every single day. I have the second chapter halfway revised, but I often find myself exhausted when I'm back in my dorm after classes and practice. I am not giving up on this story; it will just take time to complete. Cheers!**

“Then you just, well…” You squinted at the engine, straining to see where you were to install the crankshaft. You could only see a muddled hue of grey and brown, the details of the engine being too small to set apart.

“Ugh, I believe it’s—oh, _DAMN IT!”_ In a fit of anger, you chucked your wrench across the floor, and glared as it skid to a halt a few meters away. Shuddering, your anger quickly diffused when you remembered that your student was right there, watching you.

The young boy was leaning away from you, eyes wide. You sat back on your heels and ran a dirtied hand through your hair, sighing. Your T3 unit wheeled itself over to the wrench, retrieving it for you.

“I’m sorry, kid. I’m just… going through a few things.” The boy nodded in understanding. He’d heard you say that every day that past week. Straining to make out his silhouette, you reached out to touch his shoulder. Your hand ended up resting closer to his neck, so you corrected yourself and moved it to rest on his upper sleeve. “Why don’t we take the rest of the day off?”

Scrambling to his feet, the boy offered to help you stand up, but you waved him away. Hoisting yourself to your feet, you were proud that you didn’t stumble this time around. Propping your left leg atop your toolbox, you pulled up you pant leg and scowled at your prosthetic with disdain. The doctors had pushed for you to complete the surgery, in which the end result would be a leg that looked identical to your flesh. You promptly refused, claiming that it made no difference to you whether it looked realistic or not; you could hardly see it, so what use would it be? Plus, it gave you something to tinker with.

Tinkering that you would’ve been better off _not_ doing. Last night, you had popped out a few screws so you could get a feel for the mechanics behind the prosthetic, and _lost_ said screws. Your pride was what had refrained you from getting it fixed afterwards, but now, when you heard something metal _clink_ to the concrete ground, you slumped your shoulders in defeat. “That was something important, wasn’t it?” Your T3 unit—whom you since have nicknamed Tahti—beeped in agreement. Using the droid for support, you slowly leaned over and picked up the fallen piece, wincing at the pain in your lower back. You had been recommended to stay in the med bay for a few more weeks to heal, but you had begged to be released earlier so you wouldn’t feel so useless. Laying on a bed with nothing but the ceiling to stare at made you go stir crazy.

Shoving the fallen piece into your cargo pant pocket, you angled your head towards where your student had gone. Auden, a thirteen-year-old boy, plucked off his home planet of Oslenus. No family to name, lived on the streets, could hardly speak the Basic language. The ‘perfect’ kind of recruit for the Resistance.

You had been assigned to instruct some of the mechanics-in-training that had recently joined the Resistance, but each lesson left you in anguish. Before the accident, you could easily teach others how to take apart an engine and to replace specific parts in record time. Now, you had been teaching a handful of students one-on-one for three weeks, and you had _barely_ even taught them basic terminology. Identifying specific parts and tools that used to take a quarter of a second to do, now took you minutes at a time. It _killed_ you to feel so worthless as an instructor.

Nonetheless, you pushed through, as it gave you something to do rather than sit and stew on your thoughts. “Let’s stop by for a checkup,” you muttered to Tahti.

Limping to the med bay, you noticed that when you would pass other crew members, they would pause their conversations to look at you. Their pitiful stares seeped into your bones, leaving you feeling like a wounded animal on display in a zoo. You and Poe had been the only survivors when the hangar was blown up, leaving the Resistance with a mere handful of pilots and mechanics that had been elsewhere during the attack. If you had run just a few feet further towards Tallie's X-Wing, you would have been killed, too. You knew that your presence was a reminder to everyone of what had happened, and everyone was hesitant to approach you ever since.

You squared your jaw, keeping your head facing straight ahead. You went from being a respectable, high-ranked mechanic to a damsel in the eyes of your peers, and you  _loathed_ it.

You checked in for an appointment and slid into a stiff plastic chair to wait. Tahti moved to your side, beeping at you in its quick morse code. _Are you alright?_

Your eyes were closed. The lobby reeked of sanitizing alcohol and latex gloves. The ceiling lights were giving off a subtle, albeit irritating humming noise. “Yes, I’m fine.” You slid your hand atop the droid’s head, feeling its familiar and smooth, cylindrical shape. A vintage droid pulled out from storage, you and Tahti were both tattered yet going strong. A relatable pair.

You patted Tahti once before withdrawing your hand to your lap. “Thanks for your concern.”

You had a thirty-minute wait ahead of you. In the meanwhile, you zoned out, reflecting on the Resistance’s current circumstances. The attack of the First Order had taken out the entire back area of the hangar, as well as nearly all of your leadership. General Leia had survived, but had only recently woken up from her coma. Her second-in-command, General Holdo, had taken the reins while she was healing; now the two of them were working together. From what you were informed during your time in the med bay, Poe had gone off with that one rebel Stormtrooper—Finn, if you recalled correctly—and Rose Tico, one of your old classmates, to search for their friend from Jakku that had left to find the legendary Luke Skywalker. Your head had spun when you were told this. It did not make any sense. Shouldn’t _all_ of the Resistance’s forces remain on the ship, instead of some running off to look for someone that they had only recently met? How did they know that they could truly trust this girl, anyway?

But who were _you_ to have an opinion on that? You were just a mechanic. In the past tense, really. You could hardly even do your job anymore.

You leaned your head back with a groan. The headache-inducing brightness from the ceiling lights caused green and purple globs to dance across your vision, but it gave you something different to look at. Your thoughts returned to your newly-assigned students.

It sickened you how quickly the Resistance was able to round up new recruits, and young ones at that. Watching children that were sixteen, twelve, even _eight_ years old being trained to fight against the First Order horrified you, even more so with the knowledge that these kids hardly knew what they were getting into. This was _war_ , and innocent lives were being manipulated like chess pieces.

In a sense, the Resistance really wasn’t any better than the First Order.

“Miss [L/n], I see that you are here for a prosthetic inspection. Right this way,” A medic droid informed you monotonously, gesturing for you to follow.

-

“I’m surprised that your leg has stayed in one piece for nearly a month,” Dr. Stokys said mildly, leaning over a table and screwing back whatever had fallen off back into place. You were sitting a few feet away, cheeks puffed out in morose. “I assumed that you would’ve broken it after a few days.”

“Well, I appreciate your faith in my actions,” You replied, a hint of sharpness in your tone. Your rubbed your forearms, fingers trailing over the cloth bandages. You preferred to keep your arms covered, not necessarily for looks but rather so you wouldn’t feel the rough burns that lay across your skin. Ugh, you didn’t even want to _think_ about your physical appearance. Your self confidence had long since reached rock bottom after the accident.

Dr. Stokys frowned, adjusting his glasses. “My apologies. I did not mean to come across as rude.” Twisting in the final screw, he huffed in satisfaction. “Alrighty, this gal’s ready for reattachment.”

As he fixed the prosthetic back to your leg, he asked you how your teaching was going. “…Not so good. I’m not fit to be a teacher… not anymore.” You jiggled your right leg out of nerves. “Stokys… what do you think I can do? Is there anything I could do in the med bay for work?”

Dr. Stokys pursed his lips. “To work in this department, you would need to earn certification… and I am sad to say that vision is a necessary requirement. I’m sorry, [F/n].” He stepped away from you. “Alright, you are all set. Would you like assistance to the front lobby?”

Biting down on your tongue, you shook your head and swung your legs off of the recliner, once again using Tahti to keep you grounded.

“Make sure to rest up, [F/n]. I don’t want you to be back here within the week with a cold.”Thanking the man, you stiffly guided yourself out of the room and past the lobby, keeping a firm hand on Tahti to lead yourself out.

Once outside of the med bay, you paused. “Tahti… take me to see the General.” Tahti swiveled her head towards you in question. You sighed, shifting your weight between your feet. You wished that your prosthetic were as heavy as your original leg. The lightness of it really threw you off.

“Don’t ask questions. I would like to talk to her… Please.” Reluctantly, the droid turned to lead you to the Resistance’s makeshift command center.

 

Arriving to your destination, you hesitated by the door before running your hand against the wall, feeling for the button to enter. You knew what you had to do.

 

General Leia turned to the door, a smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “[F/n], it’s good to see you.”

Her voice was coming from the left of the room, so you angled your wave in that direction. It annoyed you that the majority of the rooms on this ship were pure white… you could hardly see anything else than the bright reflecting color. The woman walked up to you, placing a hand on your back to lead you to a small table in the corner.

You gingerly rested your arms on the table, and Leia waited for you to speak, gesturing for an assistant to bring you a glass of water. It took you a few minutes before you gathered the courage to begin.

“General, I am so grateful to have been taken in by the Resistance all those years ago. I have loved my time here as a mechanic.” You paused, scratching your bandaged arm nervously. A lump was forming in your throat. You took a moment to drink some water. “I know that this is a horrible time to do this, but… I wish to resign.”

Leia lowered her head. “[F/n], we care about you deeply. I am sure we can find you another role—“ The General paused when she noticed the tears dripping down your face. Wiping them away hastily, you interrupted. “I feel that I am useless to the Resistance now, and—and I know I probably appear to be a coward to you, to my friends—“ You choked at the memory of your lost comrades. “—to appear to be fleeing at the peak of war. But I insist that I should resign, and have my place be taken by someone who will actually be helpful to keep the movement going forward.”

You were shaking, and Leia reached out to hold your hand, helping you calm down a bit. She remained like that, allowing you some time to relax once more, before speaking.

“When would you like to depart, [F/n]?”

You opened your mouth, but no words came out. You were not expecting the General to comply with you. Finally, you informed her that you would like to leave as soon as possible.

Leia nodded, looking to the side in thought. “…Is anyone else aware of this?”

Your shoulders tensed. “…No.”

“Have you spoken with Poe about this?”

Shuddering in a breath, you shook your head. “I… I believe it would be best that Poe remain focused on his current mission. I don't want him to worry about me.” Hoping that you appeared to be looking directly at the General, you continued. “And… I believe it would be for the best that nobody knows where I depart. Not even Poe. Just let him know that I am safe, and… happy.” Your voice ended in a whisper.

Leia frowned at this, but nodded in understanding. She squeezed your hand in comfort, before telling you that they would prepare a transport ship for you, to depart that evening. The news made you tearful, but you knew it was for the best. Before you turned to leave with Tahti, Leia encompassed you in a gentle hug.

“I am proud to say that I watched you grow up into a fine young woman,” she said, and you hugged her back tightly. Releasing you, she told you that you would be sent to the planet Lathilles, a quiet land with a small village that you would reside in. “I know a woman there whom you can stay with,” She told you.

“Remember this, [F/n],” Leia said softly. “If you ever wish to return to the Resistance, we will welcome you with open arms.”

-

Packing your things was easy when all you owned was a few pairs of trousers, a watch, some shirts, and a pair of lace-up boots. Whatever money the Resistance was able to scrap together went directly to the armed forces and the med bay, but you grew up prioritizing the movement over whatever material items an average child would have typically received. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you looked through holo pictures on your watch, reminiscing with videos your friends had sent you. You couldn’t see them very well, but you had viewed them so often in the past that you could envision them vividly.

“ _Hey [F/n], it’s too bad you weren’t able to come recruiting with us.” Jessika was leaning on her elbow, resting in her sleeping bag and looking into her watch’s camera. “I know we just saw each other this morning, but I wanted to say that you’re an incredible friend and I love you lots.” Jessika paused before grinning. “…But I love Montecello Jr. even more. Mrrow!”_ You could hear someone shush her in the background, and chuckled when Jessie looked offended. _“Anyway, hope you have a great night. I’ll see you and my kitty toooomorrrroowwww.”_

Click.

_“So, Snap told me something I thought you’d appreciate.” Jessika was snorting with laughter, and Snap shoved himself into the frame._

_“You might think Poe’s cute, but did—“ You couldn’t understand what Snap was saying as laughter overcame him. “—Did you know that he sucked his thumb until he was twelve?” Jessika let out a wheeze._ You found yourself laughing just over how her laugh sounded. “ _‘Kay, that’s all I wanted to tell you. See you at dinner!”_

Click.

“ _[F/N]!” Jessie’s face was beet red from laughing so hard. “I asked Snap to watch Montecello Jr. while I was out, and- look!” The camera swiveled to show Sir Snap Wexley hunched over on the bathroom floor, grasping the cat by his underarms. There was toilet paper everywhere, shredded all over the tile and shower rug._

 _“Pick it up!” Snap demanded to Monty, moving the cat to look as though it were picking up pawfuls of toilet paper, and throwing it into the trash can._ You had never heard Jess wheeze so hard, and tears of laughter were falling down your own face as you threw back your head and giggled. Snap was not as tickled pink. He continued to scold the cat.

_“You make the mess, you have to pick it up. Every single bit of it.” Monty was looking desperately at the camera, but Jessie made no move to come to his rescue… yet._

Tahti was nudging your leg, letting you know that you had to leave soon. “Alright, alright, but let me look at one more.”

You skipped through some photos before landing on another video, your hand freezing when you recognized the audio.

 _“Hey, love, it’s me,” Poe whispered. “I’ve made it to Jakku, safe and sound. I’m waiting to speak with the village elder.” Crickets were chirping faintly in the background, and all you could hear was his breathing for a minute. He was deep in thought before he spoke. “I doubt anything will happen to me, because I’m far too good-looking to die out in a desert—“_ You smiled softly at that. _“—But if anything does, I just want you to know that I love you. So much.”_

Click.

You lowered your arm, turning off the watch. Your room was silent aside from the soft whirring emitting from Tahti. You remembered the night you had received that message. You had a bad feeling about his departure the entire day, and it frightened you out of your mind. It was the last message you had gotten before Poe was captured by the First Order. Your last memory of him before he… changed. He was still your Poe, but ever since his encounter with Kylo Ren—when he was _tortured_ , you shuddered—, seeking revenge on them was all he thought about, _spoke_ about afterwards. Whenever you had been with him, it felt as though he was never fully there with you, lost in his thoughts.

You felt as though you stepped back to the sidelines, a bystander in Poe’s life. He hadn’t contacted you at all for the past month. He was forced to leave on a mission while you were still bedridden. Wiping away a tear, you took a deep breath and shoved down your emotions. The Resistance was more important than some mechanic’s feelings. Whatever Poe was doing, wherever he was… you knew it was for the better of the movement, even if you didn’t fully agree with it. And that you… did not belong within that story. _His_ story.

Shouldering on your backpack, you crouched down to Tahti’s level. “Thank you for being there for me, even if it was just for the month,” you murmured to the droid, and it sadly beeped back to you. “No, I cannot bring you with me. You're important to the Resistance.” You patted her head for the last time, before straightening up and gesturing for her to lead you to the port.

On the way there, you passed by Poe’s room, which Tahti adamantly told you to go inside of. You refused at first, stating that you would be late to your departure if you did such a thing. Nonetheless, your traitorous droid unlocked the door and nudged you through it, and you stumbled into the dark room.

He had been gone for over three weeks, but the room still smelled a bit like him, of aftershave and pine trees and smoke. You stood there in the darkness for a moment, just taking in the sensation of being there one last time, when you were jostled out of your melancholy by a loud _meow._

“Oh, Monty, you scared me!” You leaned over, feeling around for the feline, and smiled when you felt the familiar soft fur. “He’s been fed daily, right Tahti?” The droid informed you that, yes, he’s been a well-fed kitty.

Biting on your lip, you scratched behind Monty’s ears, a final goodbye.

“Alright, I need to go,” you said shakily. You adjusted your backpack before pushing yourself up. You walked to Poe’s bed, where you unclasped your watch and gently placed it on his pillow. You knew that your watch had a mandatory tracking device soldered inside it, and you didn’t want anyone to come looking for you. Plus, it would be something to remind Poe of you, hopefully of the good times, and not the recent weeks when you’ve only been a hindrance.

“Take care of Poe when he’s back, okay Monty? And stay away from his bathroom!” Montecello Jr. merely blinked.

 

-

 

“Yes, Tahti, I’ll be able to make my away around. The General said she has it under control for me,” You reasoned. Looking in the droid’s direction, you attempted to smile as brightly as you could. “You were a fantastic partner. Look over Auden and the other students for me, will ya? Make sure they get a qualified instructor.” Tahti chirped in confirmation.

You heard a cough to the side, and you turned to face the man. “Are you ready for departure, Miss [L/n]?” You nodded firmly, taking the pilot’s hand to guide you to your seat in the ship. Breathing in, you took in the scents of the place you called home for the past twenty years, implementing them to your memory. Stainless steel, crisp air, lemongrass detergent, the faint aroma of baking bread in the dining hall. Stepping into the small transport ship, it was freshly cleaned leather, shoe polish, and the pilot’s scalding hot coffee. Placing a hand on the window to your right, you enjoyed the cool, smooth fixture of the glass. _Farewell,_ you mouthed, trailing your hand down the pane.

 

 

**_Two Weeks Later_ **

 

“Woah, are you _sure_ you can’t see?”

You laughed at the little girl, pausing your painting. “I’m able to see some shapes and colors, but not details or anything.” You tapped the end of the long, wooden paintbrush to your chin. “I’m letting my inner conscience pick the colors for me, and I just go along with it.” Dipping your brush into the mason jar of water, you swirled it around a few times. “I’m picturing a large, beautiful night sky. How does it look, Lucie?”

“It looks _amaaazing!_ The young girl declared, throwing her arms dramatically into the air, her own paintbrush in hand. “Can I tell you about mine?”

“Of course.” You tucked some hair behind your ear and smoothed out your skirt. _Skirt._ Force, you cannot recall a time where you wore anything but trousers. However, the family you were staying with had provided you with plain skirts and dresses to wear, and you took them gratefully. The Draper family was quite the odd bunch, but they were never anything but kind to you. They ran a small retirement home in the village, a business that was directly downstairs from where they resided themselves. You spent your mornings occupying their five-year-old daughter while they worked in the kitchens to serve their residents breakfast, from telling wild stories to dancing to painting, as you were doing now.

“I painted a huge forest, with a bright blue lake and lilypads!” As Lucie continued to describe her painting, you angled your face to the sunlight that was casting in from the nearby window. The warmth was soothing, gracing your sallow skin with much-needed Vitamin D. One thing the Resistance surely lacked was exposure to sunlight, that was for sure.

Lucie paused her description, and tilted her head at you. “You have that sad look on your face again, [F/n].”

Your brows had been furrowed and the edges of your lips were tilted downward…but you quickly shook yourself out of it once Lucie mentioned it. You smiled down at her.

“I’m perfectly alright, Lu. I was just reminiscing.”

You thought that leaving the Resistance would have brought you ease, but it had only made you feel worse about yourself. Your friends had given their lives to the cause, and here you were, painting away in a tiny little village away from the war. General Leia must think that you're a coward. 

Focusing on the sunlight resting on your face, you mouthed a silent prayer to the Force. 

_Help me find my purpose._

You listened to the rest of Lucie's description of her painting, and spent the rest of the afternoon telling each other wild stories of monsters, heroes, and misbehaving kitties.

 

-

 

You knew something was wrong before you were even fully awake.

Swiveling yourself out of bed, you trailed your hand on the wall until you reached the window, and you pushed it open a crack. By the sounds of it, a ship was quickly approaching. And preparing to land.

Normally, you wouldn’t have minded this. There was a port nearby, and it was typical to hear ships enter the atmosphere around this time. It was the eerie chill that crawled up your spine when you sensed this particular one. The same sensation you noticed lingered on Poe when he escaped from…

Oh…

_No._

“Lu, wake up! Quickly!” You went over and jostled the girl awake, and she sat up straight in bed, fear radiating off of her.

“[F/n], what—“

“You need to get to your parents, and _hide._ The First Order is here.”

You didn’t need to tell her twice. Lucie jumped out of her bed, dashing out the door and across the hallway where her parents were sleeping. You heard a commotion outside, villagers letting out bloodcurdling screams as those that confronted the soldiers were shot down immediately. The smell of burning flesh seeped into the room, and you gagged. They were forcibly recruiting, and anyone who retaliated would be killed.

You heard Lucie’s father, Welso, bolt down the stairwell and to where the retired residents would be. You could hear Lucie’s mother crack open a secret door to the attic, and a ladder unsheathed from it.

“Hurry, [F/n!]” The mother, Ezume, whispered to you, but you shook your head. You could sense Stormtroopers approaching the home, and you wanted to make sure they did not get upstairs. If you ran now, the floor would creak and give away where you were.

You chose to back yourself against the corner of the bedroom, and slid down the wall, wrapping your arms around your knees. You stabilized your breathing to be as silent as possible. Ezume pulled up the ladder, firmly enclosing her and Lucie into the attic. 

Goosebumps trailed up your arms and legs when you felt another presence emerge. One reeking of intense power and authority. One name entered your mind that you just _knew_ to be true. Of whom this being was.

_Kylo._

Your heart nearly stopped. Kylo Ren has paused. You could now sense the man approaching the Draper’s retirement home, and _fast._

You could hear the door burst open all the way up here.

“There is nothing of use to you here. I insist that you move along.” Oh, Force, what was Mr. Draper _doing?_

“It is not your position to tell me what to do,” Kylo spoke, his low and menacing voice bringing tears of panic into your eyes. The deafening scream that followed told you more than you needed to know, and you couldn’t help the tears that began to flow.

He was heading for the staircase.

It took nineteen steps to reach the top. And he was already on the eleventh.

You couldn’t let him reach Lucie or Mrs. Draper. In a split moment of blinded bravery, you ran out of the bedroom, but not before tripping over one of Lucie’s fallen toys.

Your knees slammed to the floor, and you cried out in pain. The palms of your hands were scraped raw from the impact, and you felt the sting of blood begin to flow from your knees.

Long, black robes dusted across your hands as Kylo stopped directly in front of you. You braced yourself to be sliced in two by the glowing red lightsaber at his side, but he merely stood there.

Was he… waiting for you to get up? Probably so your death would be more satisfying.

You would not give him that. Crawling backwards on your hands, you glared up at the masked man. “Go ahead and kill me,” you spat. “Do whatever you want. I can’t fucking see it either way.”

Stepping towards you, he extended his left hand towards your head, and you writhed against the ground in agony. _You did this to yourself, [F/n]. You challenged him, and he took it._

Blood began to drip from your nose, and as quickly as the pain had started, it vanished when Kylo lowered his arm.

“Take her to the ship.” He gestured the two Stormtroopers behind him to grab hold of you, and they dragged you down the stairwell and into the night, your prosthetic scraping against the mud as you fell unconscious.

 

_So much for a peaceful retirement._

**Author's Note:**

> The hilarious video that inspired the scene with Jess, Snap and Monticello Jr. was this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1KZ4hxBxbk


End file.
